The Feed

I'll be honest, I am leaning heavily towards yes. I always have to make it so much more complicated than it needs to be, angels, God, whatever it may be. I think angels are real because my best friend is real. I have such a strong feeling or belief that he was put on this earth to be in my life and I was put on this earth to be put in his. I sometimes feel a bit fucked for saying that because he is a dad, a son, a brother, a husband, and here I am like yes you are all of the

I think I am so down on myself and so empty and not confident that I have reached the point of constantly reaching out for external validation in the most unhealthy ways, just any way I can get it. And I am so in need of companionship that I’m willing to except anything or to pretend something is there when it’s not. I am just so over being alone with my thoughts at all times, the people that are supposed to always be around aren’t, so i’m stuck with myself. I am always so st

I am hyper aware of every thought in my head right now, so painfully hyper aware so what better option is there to just word vomit all of my thoughts at once, get some of it out no matter how irrational and insane they are, no one will see it anyways. I am having complicated feelings towards Ari because I feel like we got super close and now he doesn't talk to me and it makes me feel like he just used me when he was down and now he doesn't need me and that hurts, he doesn't a

I have been wanting to write this for a few days now, but I don't know how to begin. I don't know how to pray, I'm a fraud. I only come to you when the worst is happening, when I need something from you and that is not a relationship, that is me taking advantage of what you can be. I know every time i'm like "I'll be better", and I do mean that when I say it but I think I fail every time, I won't fail this time though. I will be better, I wont use you anymore. I don't know wh

I feel so distraught at all times, i’ve never been so thankful it’s a 3 day week for me. Holiday and then doctors appointment. I know they won’t take out my tonsils so I have to lock in and take my test soon, but i’m a mess. I can’t focus mentally, I have so much unsaid to so many people. I can’t help but feel like an inconvenience for having thoughts and feelings, I just want to shrink myself. This is the best time to do it, everyone is off and everyone has their own stuff.

I think this is going to be the most honest I have ever allowed myself to be, I need to put it all somewhere and I don't trust it to be anywhere else. Rafael, I miss you. I miss you so much it hurts me, I miss you so much it consumes me. I can't sleep because I am so worried about you and I have nightmares, flashes really. You being gone, dead, hurt, people using the people you love to hurt you, people trying to get information about you. All sorts of things, the worst part i

Christmas has always been one of my favorite holidays, next to halloween, and yet the magic is gone this year. It’s been gone for a while but I can usually keep it alive with love, but the people i love are indisposed of at the moment, doesn’t mean I stop loving them. In fact, I send extra love their way. But I am filled with worry and anxiety and insanity that I can’t focus on the love. I can only wish for my people to be okay, maybe even pray.

Grief really works in mysterious ways, sometimes it’s so quiet and feels non existent and then all of the sudden it just punches you in...

I can’t help it, I truly can’t. I can snap out of it and then when she’s here it’s consuming, I can’t get enough of her. I don’t know if...

how dare the world keep spinning, how dare time continue to go on, how dare everything not stop for me

Hi grandma. I don’t really know how to start this, I know I haven’t talked to you in a while and i’m sorry, I hope you know how often I think of you. I think of you with everything in me every day, even if it’s not appearant. Working with the people I work with makes me think of you the most. I think about what your story was, I think about the you I never got to know. I think about what your reasons were, why did you turn to alcohol and drugs? Was it grandpa? Was it just som

I think this is the first time in my life I don't have any words, I have never not had some sort of words but I can't make this one...