I broke my moms heart tonight, but she broke mine first

"I love you so much"

"Do you though"

And her eyes started watering as she said "of course".

Today was supposed to be a good day, some entertainment and dinner and just have a nice time and it always turns into something else. I was painfully reminded for the last hour of not being home that I will never be first choice, my feelings don't matter and they always come first. I can't vocalize how I feel because everything I say she deems as a fight.

I feel so many things, first being anger. I am so mad that my mom can't see what a loser her boyfriend is, I am so mad she never chooses to hear me, I am so mad she doesn't care about herself enough to want out. I feel sadness, I am so sad my mom can't see her self worth, I guess that runs in the family, I am so sad she thinks this is the love she deserves. She thinks the relationship she deserves to be is him getting drunk every night, this particular night his kids are over and he's not taking care of them, threatening to hit them and not feed them and then driving off while his daughter is calling my mom crying every 10 minutes asking when we will be home. I am so sad she sees herself in his daughter, and she knows what it feels like to not have present parents and more specifically what its like to have no one. I am devastated by the fact she's taking on the world when she doesn't need to me. I am devastated that I feel my own mom doesn't love me, I am devastated that I can't talk to her. I am devastated that I spent hours in a random park scared and crying because it was better than being home.

Walking up to my house and seeing my mom there waiting for me broke my heart, her apology seemed defeated, she wants him out but I don't believe her, she's said it before. I told her I need action, hearing her say she can't do it anymore broke my heart. Her asking me for a hug and me saying I can't hug her right now broke hers. She called me rude for hanging up on her drunk annoying boyfriend hours before when we were about to be home because I couldn't take it anymore, rude after everything he has been doing tonight, I was the rude one to her and that broke my heart. It's not fair, it never has been. If she wants to be miserable with him for the rest of her life then so be it, but I will not be dragged down by them. I can't live in this much longer, its killing me. Its killing me even more watching it kill her.