MKB

I feel consumed with grief, while not even knowing if youre gone and I don't know what to do with that. When I assume youre gone it destroys me, it's all that exists in my head, I can't sleep I just have nightmares of finding out that youre dead. When I try to do things for myself, like spend time with my friends, I get overwhelmed and start worrying if you knew you would feel like Im replacing you when you are not replaceable. I worry about what youre doing every second while also being so convinced youre gone, theres no way you would be gone this long without speaking to me, without answering any of your texts. But maybe you are out there, maybe you don't want to be friends, maybe friends is too much work, can be too hard for you or something. I don't know, I find myself creating all these possibilities of where you could be and none of it is helpful. I just want the truth.

Sometimes lately I feel guilty for living, for still existing. It feels like I shouldn’t be, that I should be waiting for you, but also you’re not dead, that I know of. So I shouldn’t be talking like this. It’s also just what I know, when someone is gone all I have ever done is wait for them to come back. So maybe now that i’m not, well not entirely, that’s why it’s so hard for me. I’m try to move through grief, even if you’re not gone i’m still grieving having my friend around. I really fucking miss you, I miss hearing about your days and living in our worlds, I miss everything about you. I hate not having you, I miss loving on you and just everything, I miss everything. If you’re still here, I hope you think of me too.

I will think of me, you, our dream apartment in our bubble of the world with our dog figaro

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