An Ode to my best friend

I think this is going to be the most honest I have ever allowed myself to be, I need to put it all somewhere and I don't trust it to be anywhere else.

Rafael, I miss you. I miss you so much it hurts me, I miss you so much it consumes me. I can't sleep because I am so worried about you and I have nightmares, flashes really. You being gone, dead, hurt, people using the people you love to hurt you, people trying to get information about you. All sorts of things, the worst part is none of them are out of the realm of possibility, they all have happened if not to you then someone you knew. Suddenly all the stories I learned from the people around you, or used to be around you, the people that grew up with you as a teenager to young adult, just stick to my mind. My bad memory suddenly becomes good, stories I try to forget about because of the people who told them echo in my mind throughout the night. And so I worry, I am consumed with worry and fear. Your life is so unpredictable and I know it scares you which makes it scare me too. I try to put on a brave face for you, try to have faith and optimism on your behalf, the way you have faith and optimism on my behalf. But I have to admit, I don't think I am as strong as you, well I know I'm nowhere near as strong as you, I always knew that, but its moments like these last few months where I really have things put into perspective for me.

I can't be a person without you, part of me knew this already, the biggest part of me knew this already but part of me had some hope I wasn't that person. I wasn't the person that attached herself to someone despite knowing it was a bad idea, I wasn't that person that couldn't exist if her person wasn't around. But, alas, I am that person. I can't eat full meals without you, I can't remember to drink water all of the time so I had to switch to a bigger water bottle as a way to try to make myself remember. I actually am remembering to take my medicine, that is a shock to us both since I am terrible at that. I can't sleep, man can I not sleep. I know I said that already but I think it's really the thing weighing me down, if I could just sleep for a full 8 hours I think I would feel lighter, but I can't. I'm too worried that you will come back late at night and I'd be trying to finally get sleep and miss you, and all the other stuff I already said about the nightmares. Already told you, but I really really hate living in different timezones, I haven't felt right since. My knowing of your daily routine has been thrown out since you've moved and I hate it. I hate not knowing what you have been doing every day, even if that thing is nothing. I hate not hearing your stories of my favorite little angels, most of all I hate not knowing whats in your mind, and I feel stupid trying to figure it out these days. I haven't know whats in your mind since November, that just feels like a bullet straight through the heart. I'm not owed your thoughts, but I crave them. My favorite thing about our friendship is that we tell each other everything, that we would let each other live inside our minds, but it hasn't been like that for either of us lately. That kills me. I miss my person so bad, I tell you every thing every day, I always have since we became best friends, and it kills me not to even when my days are boring and mundane. I have other friends but you're the one I want to tell everything to, not them.

Everything I feel right now feels dramatic, I'm crying as I write this, I feel like I'm missing a limb, like I have trouble breathing, like what's the point in waking up every day if I am waking up every day not being able to talk to you. And I am so torn, so torn. I never want to put added pressure on you, never, I never want to make you feel badly for not being here, that would be my worst nightmare. So I leave you alone, or well I try to. Then that makes me worry you won't understand how much I miss you, you'll think I can live without you, you'll think it's easy to live without you-- but it's not, it never has been. Maybe you want it to be easy, maybe you don't want me to wait around for you but I honestly don't know what else to do. Don't get me wrong, I am going to work, I'm reading a lot actually, helps me get out of my head, and I'm having my movie nights with Aurora and I am making it through the days, because I have to. I have to be here when you're ready to be back. Aurora is the only person I can talk to without being snippy, I have such an attitude with everyone, I am totally not being the counselor people need because I am so miserable without you. It is embarrassing. But we've talked about this, I have told you how attached I am, we know it's not all entirely healthy but we are happy and okay with it. Well I am happy with our friendship, I won't speak for you but I hope you are too.

I keep thinking about you saying you think our friendship is selfish, that you get more out of being friends with me than I do with you and I keep thinking about my responses. I stand by saying that's not true, and that you're not allowed to tell me if you're a good friend or not because you're my friend so I am the judge of that. But I wish I told you that we have different needs, you need a rock and a safe space, a constant in the chaos and I will happily be that for you as you say I am. I need all those things as well, but the difference is, my life is not chaos, it's mundane and boring. So what we need from each other is going to look different, and that's okay. It doesn't mean I give you more, I truly think we are equal. Actually, I still think you don't take enough from me and I wish you would take more. But take that away and we are equal, your brain is just unkind to you. That's something I have been worried about the most, what your brain has been saying to you and I haven't been able to remind you it's wrong, you're wrong about yourself.

I want to wear the friendship necklace I got for you, the other piece of mine, I don't have anything else that would make me feel close to you but thinking about it makes me realize I will never be able to send it to you and that does make me sad. I've been listening to the playlists, listening to Billy Joel on youtube during work, talking to your daughter as much as she'll talk to me, anyway to feel like I have you throughout my days.

I don't know if I will send this to you, right now I am thinking no because it's filled with all of the messy parts of my love, the parts I'm ashamed of because I wish I wasn't so intense and needy. You are battling to survive right now, I know you are and so I will wait because I want you alive. I worry you would read this and feel guilt and and I don't want that, you feeling negative emotions because of the things I say scares me, especially when I don't mean for it to be negative. I just needed a place to put my thoughts, I am hoping it's normal with a little dramatic flare, the way I miss you. If I do send this to you I am hoping you only feel the love I have for you. I am so beyond proud of you every single day, I really am. You are my best friend and the best friend I have ever had, you will be my best friend for the rest of my life. I want to say I hope you feel the same way, but I would be so offended if you said that to me, I think I actually was when you said something similar recently. I know we feel the same way about each other, if I know nothing of this life I know that for a fact. But I think we both still worry the other will change their mind? I will speak for myself, I know I feel that way. I still worry the day will come where, like everyone else you will see that I am too much, that you don't want to be my best friend, that my love is overbearing. But I always have to remind myself you are not like everyone else and you were made to be my best friend, like I was made to be yours. I trust in the love you have in me more than anything and I sincerely hope you trust in the love I have for you. You are stuck with me for life and you have no choice in the matter really, no going back.

I love you best friend, come home soon.