My Inability to be alone will ultimately end me

I find it embarrassing that I can't be alone, being alone physically is fine, I always am. Being alone with my thoughts, you'd think it was my first day on earth. I don't know what to do with myself, I have a billion "hobbies" but none of them feel right. I am consumed by worry, it's not a negative feeling but it's a distracting feeling, like I can't breathe until I hear from him. It's embarrassing, it's sad, why am I like this?

Well, I know why. But can I really continue to blame all of my problems on the past? When do I grow up and move on. How do I move on, how do I free myself from the mess that was pushed into me. Abandonment issues from my dad, tyler, jack, tanner, and more that are still my friends that feed into it but it's also not their fault because I should be able to exist without people talking to me and answering me. Me thinking everyone is dead when they don't answer me, definitely tanners fault, and he wasn't even dead. My brain never really processed that he was never really dead because I was too excited he was alive, but now I wish he stayed dead. Being his friend only created a billion other problems that he already created for me and now everyone who is my friend now has to deal with the repercussions of my bad choices. I feel bad for everyone, I should be better and yet I am just a mess.

Maybe it would be better for everyone if I wasn't here