today

"Sometimes, as an adult, you have to decide “this is the last time these people are gonna make me feel this way” & stand on it. Whether it’s family, a relationship, or a friendship."

Today I felt broken. I notice I give people too much power. I let it destroy me, so entirely. I get so wrapped up in other people and that is completely my own doing. I have no sense of self, I have things I know I enjoy but I don't know who I am without another person. Being alone is one of my biggest fears, but I can't fear it anymore because it's destroying me. Being scared of being alone is destroying me, I let people destroy me. I accept love I don't deserve, I know I deserve better, but maybe on some level I think I deserve it.

I think about all of the wrong I have done, all of the things people don't know about and I wonder if this is my karma. Destined to never be loved, but it's weird. I can’t accept being treated like this anymore though, it’s truly destroying me.

I think I'm loved now, by my best friend. I think I will have him for the rest of my life and I am so certain about us, I've never been more certain about anything in my life. That's a whole other fear for a whole other post, I can't lose him. I think I would cease to exist, he is too important.