I was tired, empty and boring

I hate being sick. I hate it more than anything, I feel my most alone when I’m sick. Everyone is literally moving on and continuing life when i’m stuck in bed, not that anyone should pause their life for me but it does make me feel alone. I’m literally stuck and life goes on. It makes me think of death, I know they have no correlation but I think of how I could be gone and everyone will continue and how little impact I have.

I’ve been thinking about how I thought someone was dead and I made his death my whole life, I really never moved on from it. Lately i’ve been thinking about how I just accepted him when he came back, I didn’t really ask questions I was just like yay you’re alive! And how fucking stupid was I to want that back, I didn’t think of it at the time but he was okay with letting me think he was dead. He was okay that I was going through all of that pain every single day, my life was truly paused and stuck for years and that was okay with him. Why did I ever go back to that? I think very few people have reactions like I do, I don’t think i’m life pausing important, in ways I don’t want to be. I wouldn’t want anyone to exist the way I did, because that’s barely existing. I do have the fear of not being important the way people are important to me. But it has to just be my brain because i’m sick. It has to be.