I don’t want my mom to die

I had the unfortunate reminder this morning that everyone in my life is going to die at some point and I can’t handle that. My mom will die soon, I asked her what age she would want to live to and she said 90, I can’t imagine wanting to be 90, but she can. She followed that with “but I won’t live that long”. It made me realize she was going to die within the next 30 years, that’s technically a long time but it’s not enough. What will I do without her?

She said I’m not allowed to die before her, I want to though. I don’t want to watch everyone I love die, i’d rather go first. But then I think of the pain it would leave everyone, my mom said she couldn’t handle it if I died first.

Weirdly, it makes me want to have kids, I just don’t know a way to do that yet. With no money and no place to live and no interest in having sex with a man, all of the things you need to have a kid.

I mourn a life I never had, I mourn people that are still alive, I am finding the sadness in everything and living in it. That is exhausting.