I feel consumed with grief, while not even knowing if youre gone and I don't know what to do with that. When I assume youre gone it destroys me, it's all that exists in my head, I can't sleep I just have nightmares of finding out that youre dead. When I try to do things for myself, like spend time with my friends, I get overwhelmed and start worrying if you knew you would feel like Im replacing you when you are not replaceable. I worry about what youre doing every second whi

I feel so distraught at all times, i’ve never been so thankful it’s a 3 day week for me. Holiday and then doctors appointment. I know they won’t take out my tonsils so I have to lock in and take my test soon, but i’m a mess. I can’t focus mentally, I have so much unsaid to so many people. I can’t help but feel like an inconvenience for having thoughts and feelings, I just want to shrink myself. This is the best time to do it, everyone is off and everyone has their own stuff.

I think this is going to be the most honest I have ever allowed myself to be, I need to put it all somewhere and I don't trust it to be anywhere else. Rafael, I miss you. I miss you so much it hurts me, I miss you so much it consumes me. I can't sleep because I am so worried about you and I have nightmares, flashes really. You being gone, dead, hurt, people using the people you love to hurt you, people trying to get information about you. All sorts of things, the worst part i