Word vomit

I am hyper aware of every thought in my head right now, so painfully hyper aware so what better option is there to just word vomit all of my thoughts at once, get some of it out no matter how irrational and insane they are, no one will see it anyways.

• I am having complicated feelings towards Ari because I feel like we got super close and now he doesn't talk to me and it makes me feel like he just used me when he was down and now he doesn't need me and that hurts, he doesn't answer me when I ask about playing games or anything. I even brought my switch to my cousins in case he wanted to play and nothing. And I do still have questions about the Max situation but I don't want to insult the person he is. He has never given the impression that he has lied to me or would lie to me. I can't tell if I am projecting past things onto him, I have had so many people use me when they are depressed and hurting as if I'm a quick fix doctor and then when they are all better I'm out. I'm the friend you have when you're sad and depressed, not the friend you have when you're happy. Not that he is even happy right now, I know he is still struggling, but I just don't know the difference between then and now.

• I can't tell if Aurora is treating me like a drive by too, I don't think so. But i miss him, I don't understand how people don't miss me.

• I think people enter peoples lives too casually, I think being in someones life is a big deal and matters and shouldn't be taken lightly. I don't think its fair that I put in all of this effort to know people and let people know me despite my better judgment and then it always back fires. For some reason my brain is fully aware that Raf is all I need, the only person that fully understand me and love me and for some reason I still keep giving people a chance, I think it's because the people I give a chance to are like all leading back to people I love and care about, you will never see me give a complete stranger chance.

• I am so completely frustrated with how I acted today, I hate that I got jealous with Raf. I hate that I cried?? That is just so embarrassing. I don't know what came over me!! I think a wave of like sadness hit me, I think I think about our friendship so much that I remember all of the different versions of us and so I am very aware of all the time we used to have. I know it all boils down to I miss my best friend. In a lot of different ways. But I wish I didn't put that on him, I wish I was able to control my emotions and maybe I shouldn't have listened to Stellan about telling him. But I also know communication is the most important thing in a relationship and I know it was the right thing to communicate it. But I just wish I was better about my feelings. It took me an hour to regulate my emotions after that I was just so checked out, and thats sad. I don't know whats wrong with me, like why I feel extra emotional today but I do and I know thats part of why I felt it so much but then my brain went into I'm such a bad friend and I made him feel bad when he was scared and alone and needed someone and I shouldn't have slept and I knew I shouldn't have slept and I wouldn't have slept if my eyes weren't burning and then just a replay of all the things in our friendship I shouldve done better and maybe he doesn't need me maybe that was a signal for him to run far away and I need to be low maintenance and require low effort so he doesn't feel like I'm a task and maybe he already thinks that and how do I shrink myself and just provide love and not ever do that again and just so on and so forth. I think I have such an irrational fear of losing him that everything I feel always feels bigger than if it was anyone else. If I lose him that's it, like I'd be done for. There would be no point in life, and I think that feeling is something Ari and I have bonded over time and time again and it's just such a specific feeling that I don't know if anyone else knows. I don't think anyone feels that way about me, I don't know maybe Raf does. Its weird because I know exactly how he feels about me but then I don't know at all because I have such big feelings and I struggle with my self worth and I just can't believe someone could love me that amount. I can't believe I would be worth that love.

• I have no idea whats going on with my emotions, I can't stop crying, I dont think its because Im tired, I might be sad but I don't know what about specifically,Im not about to have my period so I don't know what's going on there. If I wasn't a virgin I would think Im pregnant. I don't know what I'm subconsciously pushing down and what feelings I'm swallowing but I would love for them to make themselves known so I can be aware and do something about it.

• I miss max so much that I am kind of avoiding it, is that what I'm pushing down? I don't know. I don't know if he is ever coming back and I don't know what to do with that. Do I grieve a relationship im unsure is dead? Do I grieve the person? I don't know.