Are you there God? It's me...

I have been wanting to write this for a few days now, but I don't know how to begin. I don't know how to pray, I'm a fraud. I only come to you when the worst is happening, when I need something from you and that is not a relationship, that is me taking advantage of what you can be. I know every time i'm like "I'll be better", and I do mean that when I say it but I think I fail every time, I won't fail this time though. I will be better, I wont use you anymore. I don't know what being better looks like but I'll figure it out.

Recently, I have been hyper aware of how much I need you, or how much I feel I need you. Or how I only feel calm when I listen to your music. I don't know if I have properly talked to you, I don't know how. So this is me trying.

I don't know if this is asking too much, but I'm going to ask anyway, God can you please bring peace to my best friend? Peace and safety. Allow his mind to align with his body and heal, heal from the pain, the hurt, the betrayal both his body and mind feel. Bring him home, to Arizona, to me. I miss him. Give him the strength to live a very long, bright life. Bring Arizona the strength to make it through this, whatever comes his way. Allow the love to consume both of these boys, allow it to enter their heart and for them to feel the safety it provides. If I haven't asked for too much already, if you could, bring me the strength to just make it through this because in all honesty, I feel like I am dying. I feel like my soul is detached from my body without Rafael, and I'm not asking you to bring my soul back, just bring him back, my soul will follow.